Heart Thrown Open

Dear Nameless Love, It's strange. It's strange how a feeling can change a world. A world, & all the lives involved in it. A single presence can simply effect the very being of someone. Alter the way they think, & breath, & channel them through a different current. This overpowering feeling that seems so right but surely it always ends so...wrong. So horrible, & crushing. Yet, this is what we strive for. This never ending pain that caresses us into sweet dreams of nothingness. Why am I telling you this? Long story short, you did this to me. You allowed me to walk in blindly & shut the door so that I couldn't get out. You single handedly held the lock so that I would forever be trapped in your mind. My mind. There's this fine blurred line though. A line that glimmers every now & then. Like it's trying to tell me that, this isn't death. This is that feeling. That feeling that can leave any human powerless. But you don't walk near that line anymore. You don't come to the door when I knock as you once would. I can't blame it all on you. I had my share in...whatever this is. Was. I knew the moment I saw you that you would always be the one I came home to. Because you were my home. Are my home. I can't take that from you. I can't remove my heart from the cold, cramped place that you hide it alongside yours. I would have given you my everything. Every fiber of my being would have soley been dedicated to you. That was my choice. Just like you making me fall was your choice. Did you ever plan on staying? Did I ever mean anything to you? Sometimes I wonder...what could have happened or what ran through your mind. The reasoning. That's always the worst part. I pick & pick until insecurities fester like blood from a scraped scab. I believe that I've thought of all of the possible reasons. Maybe even more. Was I just not good enough? Or was I a rebound? Someone to distract you from the horrors hiding within yourself? Whatever the reason, you broke me when you walked away. I told you I was fine but I wasn't. You walking away like that...that sudden emptiness that I felt. It crushed me. Time went on for awhile & I thought that maybe I could pretend that it was all a dream because that's what our beginning felt like. It felt like I was finally at peace but I guess that's easily ripped away. Things never felt the same, but that gap that you left, stopped clawing at my insides so intensely. It was calming & I would heal. Until you walked back in. Did you ever notice how strained & awkward it was for awhile? How I hid from certain topics? I'm sure you didn't. It doesn't matter. Even now, you allow me small glimpses of what could be, & I think that secretly I hold out some hope. A hope that it was all a mistake & that we'll finally get a happily ever after. We won't though. I'm not the one you really want, & I accept that. I hope that one day you read this. I hope that on that day, you realize that I'm talking about you. How I tried so desperately to be that someone that you needed. The person that you could always depend on. The one you always knew you could trust. Am I that person though? Was I ever? Please know that I never walked out on you, the way you walked out on me. You hurt me & I still allowed you in when you needed me even though it hurt like hell knowing that it was only out of convenience. So, I hope you read this someday & notice that it's always been you & I. That we were cut from the same fabric. That in some universe, we belonged, endlessly, to each other. And I hope that on that day, I'm with the one who couldn't breath without me. I hope I'm happy...someday... without you. Sincerely, The One who would have stayed